


Disappear

by 11salt_king11



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AND I FORGOT A CRUICIAL DETAIL, Connor Lives, FUCK, I AM SO STUPID PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I WROTE THIS IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FORMAT EARLIER, Suicide mention, WHICH WAS EVAN'S SUICIDE NOTE, and I'm a hoe for validation, anyway, but I hope you guys like it, drug mention, evan dies, not really - Freeform, spoiler - Freeform, this is generic as hell, whooP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 20:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11425167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/11salt_king11/pseuds/11salt_king11
Summary: Connor finds the body of a dead Evan Hansen and takes his legacy as his responsibility.





	Disappear

 

_What would happen if I disappeared?_

 

Connor would ponder this on a regular basis. In all truthfulness, he strongly believed that the only consequences that result in his absence would be good. Perhaps his parents wouldn’t fight, or, even better, they would finally divorce and live happily separately. Zoe would evidently stick to their mother, Cynthia, so _that_  wouldn’t be an issue.

 

Speaking of his sister, she would be better off without him as well. No more having to yell. No more having to run for your life. No more Connor.

 

It’s a concept Connor liked to contemplate.

 

Of course, on many occasions, Connor considered suicide. There was a time in which he consistently told himself that he wouldn’t, but every day, the statements become more of a lie to himself rather than a genuine promise.

 

Finally coming upon his intended destination, Connor scaled the tall fence, and entered the orchard.

 

Lost in thought, Connor vaguely heard a thump.

 

_Probably nothing._

 

An hour later. Smoking pot. A body under a tree.

 

_Just me being high._

 

Five minutes. He tripped.

 

_Fuck._

  


Connor took the body home, not entirely sure of what to do. He could have called the cops, but he was high. He had drugs with him. He was only seventeen and he was smoking.

 

Looking at the boy, he swore he knew him from somewhere. He ignored this detail for the time being and focused on his current goal: trying to find who the hell this guy was.

 

He decided that there was the possibility of a wallet, which may or may not kept an ID. No signs of wallets, but a folded piece of paper. Full of anticipation, half expecting what the content would be, Connor read

_My only friend,_

 

_Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why._

 

_Because today, I'll be gone._

 

_I know it’s scary. But you can handle it._

 

_In the end, this will definitely save some space for better people out there. Mom would be able to live happier. Everything would be okay._

 

_I spent my life doing nothing but making things worse. This is the one good thing I'll finally be able to accomplish._

 

_I have faith in you._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Evan_

 

With a heaviness in his heart, and a letter in his hands, Connor found more solace and comfort with the body and suicide note from a vaguely familiar stranger than he had in another person for a long time. They were both alone. Outcasts. Forgotten. Looking at the boy he now knew as Evan, he realized that on the occasion in which he decided to take his own life, he could find himself in the same position, save for the fact Evan’s corpse was in the bed of a man he didn’t know. He related to Evan, felt what he felt, saw the world through his eyes. In Evan’s letter, Connor found himself.

 

Similarities aside, Connor also felt a pang of guilt regarding the fact that he could’ve saved Evan. After all, he _was_ in the orchard where Evan had committed suicide. Although he did not see Evan prior to jumping off the tree, he heard the thump, and about an hour later, discovered the body (but it wasn’t until after he tripped over the cadaver that Connor realized this wasn’t a hallucination). Connor had a skewed depiction of reality that hurt the people he loved, which, in a way, hurt Evan as well.

 

Shortly, his sister would come in, reluctantly, with the intention to announce that dinner was ready, but was left shocked, seeing a boy in Connor’s bed, badly bruised.

 

“Connor, what the fuck did you do to him?!”

 

Though it was difficult to attempt due to his sister’s paranoia monologue, Connor explained the situation, barely before the mother of the two entered.

In the spur of the moment, Connor informed his mother that Evan Hansen was his best friend, and that he was dead. His mother, surprisingly, knew of Evan’s mother, considering they lived fairly close.

 

Heidi Hansen arrived, storming upstairs into Connor’s room as soon as she was told her son was there. A brokenhearted gasp, followed by bitter tears. A mother, kneeling at the foot of her son’s deathbed, examining the bruises. Zoe was contacting the police.

 

As Evan’s body was returned to the morgue, Cynthia sat with Heidi downstairs, as the latter woman mourned the loss of her only son, alone.

 

Watching this scene with his sister from the top of the staircase was heartbreaking. Connor recalled a certain part of Evan’s letter- “Mom would be able to live happier”. He found that hard to believe.

 

“I want to help her.”

 

Zoe turned, and looked at him, an eyebrow raised. “You? Help? As if.”

 

“Do you not see what’s going on down there?!”  Connor spoke in a loud whisper. “It’s fucking tragic!”

 

“Funny how you have the consideration to help a stranger, but you don’t do anything to help your own sister.”

 

Silence. What else was there supposed to be?

 

With a sigh, Zoe broke the ice. “You go get in trouble and mess things up. See if I care.”

 

These words did make Connor contemplate whether he was truly able to help or not. How could he fix the situation if he still had to fix himself?

 

He came to one conclusion: nothing is perfect. There is no world in which any of this will end with a completely happy ending.

 

But he had to try to lighten the load. It was the most he could do.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner, or rush to the spot where you fell, since I heard you.  I’m sorry I didn’t save you._

 

_I don’t know you. But what I do know is that you are important to someone, believe it or not. Your mom loves you, you were all she had left. She’s so proud of her son, and misses him more than anything._

 

_Your letter spoke volumes to me. It’s how I feel about this stupid, screwed up world. You’re not alone. And you made me realize that I’m not alone._

 

_Thank you. Thank you for helping me. In return, I’ll try to help your mom the best I can._

 

_Sincerely,_

 

_Connor Murphy_

**Author's Note:**

> I!!!AM!!!SO!!!SORRY!!!
> 
> I wrote this once. In a different format. This entire thing was supposed to be in the form of letters from Connor to Evan.
> 
> But now I'm rewriting it so that it's third person with letters here and there. Best of both worlds!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!


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